*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
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My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”