Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
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[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
It’s a gift
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.