*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
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Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice