I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
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before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?