professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
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BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
my dad has had enough
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.