After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
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Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
😍😂🥰😂😍
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.