Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
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Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Happy weekend !
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.