My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
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Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
i meant to share this earlier
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
How do you milk an almond?
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.