“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
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Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.