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I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
These dogs look like they have good credit.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
doing your own taxes
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
This January has 47 Mondays
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.