I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
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before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Incredible customer service.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.