ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
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Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.