*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
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These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
choose your fighter
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.