Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
lmao
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”