dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
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“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
and now we wait
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?