Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
You Might Also Like
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
estão todos miauvindo?
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying