I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
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Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*