so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
When your parents check you’re ok.