“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
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me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I didn’t realize that was an option
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Not recommended for beginners.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.