There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first