Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
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STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Spring of Deception
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.