Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
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People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
who will stop them
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.