*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
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Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.