The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
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…..pretty much.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
broke down and did it
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.