Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
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friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!