When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
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walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Dance like you’re not the father
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
asking santa clause for nudes
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”