Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
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I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.