My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
OH. COME. ON.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Is….Is this an option?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.