The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
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I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.