I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
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“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
is this a threat
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Friday night party time 🥳
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.