Day 2 of my diet
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God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Oh my God.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!