Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
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For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
School be like
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky