Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
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If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.