The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
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Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
S M O L
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name