[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
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*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I did not eat the cake…
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?