[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
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My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
set yourself free xox
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?