If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
You Might Also Like
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”