Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring