Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
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[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Cardio Made Easy
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed