My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
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When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.