BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
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Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Yes my dude
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive