me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
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My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.