Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
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My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.