The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
You Might Also Like
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.