A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
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A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.