I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
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“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.