My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.