CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
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I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward