Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
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Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
is this how new cars are made??
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much