When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
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My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS